Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…