Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
any last words?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
FINE, I WON’T.