Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
It’s an epidemic…