Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.