Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
finally found a reasonable question
guys I’m going home
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.