Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER