Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
You Might Also Like
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
This 4th of July, please remember…
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*