Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
God, I love Scotland
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes