HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
three things we don’t talk about
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.