Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”