Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Them: You should try keto
Me:
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.