Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.