Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
You Might Also Like
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Knock Knock
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?