Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.