@LMemeit We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
@WilliamRodgers Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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@LMemeit 
@E_lok44 “No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
@nutsaremixed People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
@mdob11 Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
@iscoff TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
@ThisLocalHater This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
@permawedgie Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@Contwixt Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
@Smooheed There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug