We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug