@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

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@LMemeit

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

@E_lok44

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

@nutsaremixed

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

@iscoff

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

@ThisLocalHater

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

@permawedgie

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@Contwixt

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

@

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug