Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
buying dead houseplants to save time
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together