HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Anyone want a chair?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.