Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
You Might Also Like
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Love it! 👍😂
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.