Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.