Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You Might Also Like
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.