Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
one of
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.