him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
🏙👨🏼
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]