Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”