Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind