Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*