Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!