HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You Might Also Like
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
britain’s three elite institutions
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.