Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.