Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
This hospital has everything
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.