him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
just left a huge legacy in there
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.