Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My life coach traded me.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.