Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.