Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
bears
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.