him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.