Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
😂😂😂😂😂😂
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter