Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.