HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You Might Also Like
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
So we got a goldfish…
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.