ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!
* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP