@TylerLinkin On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
@GoldenSpirals Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
You Might Also Like
@TylerLinkin 
@MensHumor Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
@AbrasiveGhost [torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
@beefman138 *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
@Laser_Cat *sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
@sara_ashlynn My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
@NYC_Blonde A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
@I_Bl33d_Purple At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
@UncleBob56 Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
@Tw1tter_K1tten Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*