Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.


Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.


[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.


A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die


At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.


Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.


Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*