@GoldenSpirals

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

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@TylerLinkin

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@beefman138

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@NYC_Blonde

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@UncleBob56

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*