Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.