Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
You are what you delete.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.