@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

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@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@venomjunkie2

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

@notfaizzy

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

@MySickthSense

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

@_SetTheHook_

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@kelkulus

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

@HooeyDr

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”