Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.