HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
🙅🏻
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.