Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?