Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?