Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth