Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.