him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
britain’s three elite institutions
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
accurate
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”