him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
When I laugh on my period
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
🍛