Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
and now we wait
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
that lip filler tho
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.