Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.