him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You Might Also Like
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”