HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.